Our Parents, Ourselves

 MGK

November 13 2020

This is dedicated to my Uncle David, a father to 5 children, who passed away just today.

I was reminded of my Mom the other day as I was writing in my journal.  She died almost 6 years ago but she is very present for me.  I remember a lot about her and I think my clarity grows with time.  When I doubt myself, I remember her lack of belief in herself despite her smarts, her natural gifts, and her strong intuition.  As I continue to develop, and become more fully who I am, I am doing this with her, for her, as a continuation of her legacy.  She grows through me and I grow from her.  I should remember more often that I have within me the best of both of my parents.  I have my Mom’s openness, curiosity, and natural desire to keep learning, and her ability to move easily across situations and people.  I also have my Dad’s unbridled optimism, his openness to all people, the way he relates to others at a very human level, and very easily.  I have his tender heart and emotions that are just below the surface.  This is a good combination, when I am able to let myself really be present to it.  It is my foundation, and it is the core of my faith in myself.  It is a hard thing to build on one’s parents’ legacy.  It is easy to get trapped in their inherited challenges, and not find the best way forward.  Nobody has an easy life, especially psychologically, and our success at managing our own development as human beings is connected to our ability to look clearly at who we are and who we’ve come from, to understand the patterns of thought and behavior that can limit us, but also the ones we can use to move us towards a more full expression of ourselves.  I see clearly in me both my mother’s challenges in getting beyond her self-doubt, and I see the side of my father’s happy-go-lucky personality that can lead to denial.  I can incorporate those aspects into me; I can see them, feel them, and reflect on them in ways that challenge me and move me forward.

Each of our lives is a challenge and an opportunity.  Our history is not in our control, but our present is.  How do you see in you, the traits of your parents?  Which of those traits make you uncomfortable?  Look at them closely.  Which strengthen you?  Embrace them.  How about the ones good and bad, that you find it hard to see and acknowledge, and own?  Ponder them and own them.  From this place you can experience both the embrace of your parents and the distinctiveness of yourself.

Blog#5: It's Not Them, It's Us

 

It’s Not Them, It’s Us

MGK

October 25, 2020

In this period as we near the culmination of the election, I was thinking about an essay I wrote a year ago, just as the impeachment proceedings were unfolding.  I didn’t publish it because I didn’t know that it would resonate with the folks in the center and the left; I was hard on us who occupy that space.  As the anxiety and energy builds with the election it seems like a good idea to review and share my thoughts.  The core idea of what is included below was written a year ago, but I’ve updated it for today.

The impeachment of Donald Trump was an attempt to lay things bare.  Many, like me, indulged the fantasy that the moment had arrived, the facts would be compelling and overwhelming, and Trump would be seen for who he really is and be held accountable across a good part of the political divide.  What happened though, was that our polarized and paralyzed political process was what was laid bare.  I, and others, thought that something would snap and the cavalry would come in and start to return everything to normal, however...lather, rinse, repeat, and we got caught up in the drama of it all.  Some checking our phones and twitter feeds constantly, some just tuning it out completely, with both reactions keeping us stuck.  For the other group, the Trump supporters, they had similar reactions, just with a completely different lens.  While we think they are out of control and destroying the country, they essentially think the same of us.  For those of us caught up in all this for several years, most of our energy goes into the drama, and not into thinking about what is really happening and what we should or could be doing.  For those of us tuning things out, we are missing the opportunity to help shape the direction of the country at a critical point in time. 

Projection is a psychological dynamic defined as the “theory in which the human ego defends itself against unconscious impulses or qualities…by denying their existence in themselves while attributing them to others” (compilation of several sources).  We are all about projection now.  The President has given a master course in projection; when he accuses others of that which he does but doesn’t want to acknowledge, he is projecting, but Donald Trump is far from alone in this.  What good students we have been, as our own projections just feed the dynamic.  Not that projection isn’t a normal psychological dynamic, but it usually doesn’t happen so intensely on a societal level.   However, I believe it is now, and that we are mistaken in thinking that the only thing that needs to change is the President and his supporters. These days too few of us take responsibility for ourselves, our roles, and our lives.  We blame others for our own misdeeds or shortcomings. 

When I say “us”, I also mean me.  I have blamed Trump and Trump supporters for everything bad happening in this country the last few years.  I blame them for racism and sexism.  I blame them for income inequality and greed.  I blame them for bigotry and stupidity.  I blame them for climate change.  I blame them for the potential collapse of our democratic norms and systems, a collapse that really and truly could last a generation or even be permanent.  From the perspective of Trump supporters, people like me are to blame and plenty gets projected in our direction.  We are elitists, we are naïve, we are against working class jobs, we are anti-freedom, we hate America.  Projection clearly comes from both sides. On the left side we wear our “woke-ness” as a badge of honor, looking to score victories over those less “woke” by pointing out our superior morality and their ignorance and bigotry.  We seem unable to acknowledge our own learning journey on issues of race, gender, sexual orientation, gender identity, social class, etc.  We not only project our unowned biases, we also project our greediness and small-mindedness, the part of us that doesn’t care about others; all of this we project onto “them.”  Our world has become a huge projection screen fed by a social media machine filled with either distractions or self-fulfilling prophecies.  It is hard to find space outside of that maelstrom.  It is emotionally draining and exhausting.   Ultimately, we act as a circular firing squad and find it difficult to come together around difficult challenges.  There is no room left to think and solve problems.

“We” got “us”’ to where we are.  That is the simple truth.  We have nobody to blame but ourselves.  Analysts and academics much more informed than I can describe in great detail how our society didn’t deal with deep-seated issues like wealth inequality, climate change, racism, sexism and other forms of bigotry.  The bottom line is that most all of us helped us get here, and we are still doing what got us here.  We only listen to or read perspectives that support our own.  We try desperately to convert others to our viewpoint, without understanding their's.  Much of our capacity for listening, empathy and learning has disappeared.  Our fear and our uncertainty, the gnawing sense that something is very, very wrong, paralyzes us and pushes us to what is familiar, only deepening our challenge.  We are in a self-reinforcing negative spiral. 

It is time to let go of these projections.  It is time to take responsibility for what we have control over, namely ourselves, our attitudes and our behavior.  I’ve noticed this shift in me as the election approaches.  This is no longer a reality TV show.  This is real and we are all actors in real life.  I see more clearly that my judgementalism towards others just feeds this unended circular and unproductive dynamic.  I don’t have to change my mind about what I think is right, I just need to focus my energy differently.  How do I spend less energy angry and blaming and more energy creating what I think is the best future?  How do I develop the empathy that allows me to see all of us as works in progress, deserving of caring and consideration?  I believe I see this happening now, as people I know, who while always voters, are very involved in volunteering in the campaigns during this election season.  They are not surfing twitter; they are making calls, sending texts, sending money.  In other words, they are engaged in productive behavior to create what they believe is a better future.

The days ahead will be even more challenging if the administration in the White House changes.  The possible, even likely, election of Biden will be the start of a difficult process, not the end.  More on this in the next blog.  What is clear, though, is that we will need to engage each other to move forward effectively, especially given the pandemic.  The drama, the projection, the animus will need to be replaced by engaged community members.  Think about how you can put your energy for change to good use.  Local government involvement is a great place; I joined my town’s conservation commission and am involved in important work for the future of the town.  I’ve also met many members of my community whose political affiliations are secondary to our shared agenda of our town’s natural resources.  There are a wide range of community organizations that need help going into the worst part of the pandemic.  School teachers need support, healthcare workers need support, your vulnerable neighbors might need help getting food and supplies, food pantries will be under stress again.  Holding a new set of legislators accountable for action at the local level will be necessary.  If Biden and Harris are elected, any changes they make to policy will need broad engagement and support to work.

I hope to have something big to celebrate on November 4.  At the same time, I will remember that we are all in this together.  Its not them, it’s us.

Thanks for reading, and as always, please comment!  If you can’t get the comments to work, send me an email and I’ll publish them.

MGK

PS.  A Note on Projection.

This paragraph was part of a longer essay, but I think it is relevant to the essay above.  So if you are interested in a couple hundred more words…

What is underneath all of this projection and how does it feed this cycle and keep us stuck?  From the right, envy must play a role for some.  If I see others being successful, seemingly happier, adjusting well to a rapidly changing world or living in an exciting city that could make me feel envious, as could seeing the lifestyles and jobs of others being promoted as ideal.   Since most of us don’t want to own a feeling of envy we project it as resentment, a powerful force when properly stoked.  There is probably a good dose of powerlessness in this dynamic.  If I feel powerless I might, instead of finding a way of asserting my own agency, blame others.  I will do the same if I am uncomfortable with my somewhat unconscious biases about people who are different from me.   Related to envy is, perhaps, a fear of being excluded.  This is deeply ironic coming from the right wing which sometimes wears exclusion of others on its sleeve.  But isn’t that the point here?  Projection captures all kinds of irony, because when we project onto others what we can’t accept in ourselves, we are demonstrating deep irony.  And again, this deep irony is not limited to one side of the political spectrum.  On the left or in the center, we are often unable to handle the dissonance from our stated values, via our unconscious mind.  When we are invested in a particular self-image (i.e. liberal, progressive, open-minded, inclusive, “woke” etc.) and we know deep inside that we aren’t living to that image or those values, we become likely to project that dissonance by pointing out how others aren’t living those values.  We might label these individuals as deplorables, for example.  The things we unconsciously fear we are, get projected onto them.  The truth is, we are all a little bit deplorable.  Please don’t hear me minimizing the truly awful and bigoted words and behaviors from the right, particularly Trump supporters.  Their bigotry is no longer unconscious; it is intentional and harsh, and even worn as a badge.  I am not writing a “both sides do it” article.  Instead, I am arguing that we are all contributing to the conundrum we find ourselves in, and that change requires that we stop feeding it.   We can get there by embracing reflection and authenticity.

Blog #4: Don't Be Afraid, Black Lives Matter

Don't Be Afraid, Black Lives Matter

MGK

July 30 2020

Black Lives Matter, as a statement and as an organization, has gained both resonance and support across the country in recent weeks as yet more instances of unjustified killing and harassment of black people have come to the attention of the entire country.  This is shown in public polls and is happening in tandem with an increase in the percentage of Americans who believe racism is a serious problem.  Yet still many whites ask something along the lines of “why do they say black lives matter, don’t all lives matter?”  What is causing this question, and why do so many white people ask it?

At one level it seems fairly easy to deconstruct the statement that “black lives matter.”  It is simply a statement that is meant to respond to overwhelming evidence that black lives matter less than other lives in this country.  It says nothing about other lives, and clearly does not imply that lives other than black lives don’t matter.  It is a statement of sadness, frustration and anguish, a simple and eloquent request that the mistreatment of black people stop.  It isn’t a negative statement, it isn’t confrontive in a conflictual way, and at some level it is both a statement intended to empower and also a cry for help.  Yet many whites, and probably some others who are not black, feel that it is some sort of threatening statement against people who aren’t black.

What is the sticking point?  Why do so many of us whites have an immediate defensive reaction to that statement?  My husband and I were discussing this the other night, after a conversation he had with another white person who raised the “’don’t all lives matter” question.  He was able to talk that individual through the question to see what is really meant by “black lives matter”, and it was a productive dialogue, but in the course of that conversation he had a sense that the barrier to understanding was fear.  I agree.  For us as whites to fully take in what is meant and implied by “black lives matter” we have to confront some difficult realities:  being white includes privileges that we haven’t earned, and we might be complicit in maintaining those privileges.  That is a discomforting thought because many of us have an image of ourselves as fair, as believers in meritocracy, and as having earned whatever we’ve achieved due primarily to our own individual efforts.  That discomfort can be scary.

When we are confronted so clearly with evidence of unearned privilege it creates an internal conflict:  how can I be a good and moral person and at the same time be on the receiving end of unearned privileges?   Two conflicting perspectives create what a psychologist might call “cognitive dissonance.”  Cognitive dissonance can create fear and we try to avoid fear.  In order to avoid fear, we have to avoid thinking too deeply so we defend ourselves and turn a plea for help from another into an attack on ourselves.  Sometimes we push past the cognitive dissonance by not engaging it or making it about somebody else.  In other words, we project our fear onto other people.  These two reactions describe in in a nutshell the race dynamics in this country over the past 150 years.  We will never get “past” racism if we can’t engage it honestly in the present moment as it is occurring.

If you are white, and you want to reduce racism, start by asking yourself what it really means to be white, something we whites rarely think about.  Ask yourself why we know so little about the daily experiences of black people.  Ask yourself how, despite any other issues related to your gender, socioeconomic class, sexual orientation, and other differences, your whiteness has given you privileges large and small.  Ask yourself how those privileges make you feel, in the context of the values you hold and who you aspire to be.  Then, stop undermining honest and hard conversations about racism.  Stop turning a call for justice – BLACK LIVES MATTER – into an attack.  If you are a well-intended white person who has thought seriously about issues of race, quit projecting your fears in a self-righteous way onto other whites who haven’t done that reflection; if fact start talking to them.  Start acting like black lives matter.

Blog #3: Why I am Optimistic About Inclusion

Why I am Optimistic About Inclusion

Even as we seem to be going backwards, beset by polarization, we continue our inevitable journey to be a more inclusive society.

MGK July 2020

It might seem like a strange time to be optimistic about inclusiveness in the U.S.  Many of us are in streets protesting police violence against Black people, as yet more incidents of police targeting and killing Black people have been made public and visible.  White supremacist groups are much more visible and even being mainstreamed by political leaders.  What was considered fringe has become legitimized for many.  It is a scary time, and it feels like we are peering into the abyss of intolerance, or perhaps we have already fallen over the edge.  Have we really taken so many steps backwards, or are we just seeing more clearly what was already there?  I think both are true to some extent, but I favor the latter; I think we are starting to develop a more widely held view of “what is”.

If we take a step back we can see that diversity and inclusion have been a dilemma for this country since the beginning.  I use “dilemma” intentionally; inclusion of diverse groups is not a problem to be solved, it is an ongoing dilemma to be managed.  When our country was created we weren’t very open, fair or inclusive.  However, our stated values often were, though probably the founders didn’t fully realize how diverse and dynamic the country would become a couple of hundred years later.  Their ”enlightened” ideas though were expressed and have survived the test of time, at least rhetorically.  The way in which we became a country, and we are a very new country still, created conditions in which we would always be grappling with this dilemma as we simultaneously 1) created a culture and set of laws and practices which put immigration, and the attendant diversity, at the core of our development,  2) went even further via articulated notions of equality of opportunity and 3) enslaved millions of people and denied full rights and freedoms to millions more.  This implicit paradox and hypocrisy have been the fuel for substantial progress over the last couple of hundred years, as they create a vivid picture of the gap between who we say we are and how we really are.  The moments when we see and feel this gap so clearly are moments of cognitive dissonance that drive change.  I believe we are in one of those times right now, and that our current polarized, and intensifying, societal dynamics can be understood as a sign of progress, a sign that accelerated change is underway.  That is why I optimistically believe this period will ultimately lead us to discover even more deeply, the value of inclusion. 

Our history is an important guide.  As a country we have moved inexorably towards becoming both more diverse and more inclusive. The end of legal slavery more than 150 years ago and the extension of voting rights to women 100 years ago were big steps, though with a lot of time in between.  This progress has certainly not been in a straight line, and at times it has felt more like regression than progress.  However, if we step back and look at the past several decades the big picture shows tremendous progress and change.  The successful challenging of barriers based on race led to full legal and civil rights for African Americans and the end of Jim Crow laws.  Significant workplace barriers were overcome, including workplace non-discrimination laws banning discrimination based on gender, race, age, religion, and more, including just this year, sexual orientation and gender identity.  In another significant achievement, the Americans with Disabilities Act, a sweeping law to create access for people with disabilities, was passed 3 decades ago.  Messy and painful though the conversations are, we are getting better at honestly confronting and talking about sexism and gender bias.  In recent days, there are signs we are slowly becoming more able to talk about race, at least in a way that includes white people in a broader and more serious way.  I not only see this in the public discourse, I also see it in my personal and professional interactions.

We will continue to evolve

I believe this evolution will continue, for 3 main reasons: inevitability, progress, and necessity.  Diversity and inclusion are increasingly inevitable in the U.S.  As a nation we've been heading down this road almost since our inception, and it has accelerated in the last several decades.  We are already quite racially diverse, with the % of people of color now nearing 40%.  Beyond just plain demographic diversity, we have also increased the level of diversity in all kinds of roles in our public and private institutions and in government.  It isn’t realistically possible to turn back from this progress because this kind of change has built on itself as many Americans’ definition of what is possible has grown as diverse representation across roles has increased.  We simply are going to be diverse, increasingly so, and the only question is how inclusive we will be and how quickly.  Even inclusion is inevitable, though, short of a complete revolution of our legal system and culture. 

Progress has been sure, though slow at times as described earlier in this essay.  Measures of public attitudes over the last 50 years reflect a growing awareness, tolerance and acceptance of more diversity.  This trend has accelerated particularly among younger people.  We have become more aware, but also more effective, and this shows in the growth of a more diverse group of leaders across almost all institutions and organizations, public, private and non-profit.  At the highest levels of our government we had a 2-term African-American President.  One party had a female candidate in 2016.  The presidential field this year was diverse by race, gender and age.  At least one of the VP candidates on the ticket will be a woman.  Though uneven at very senior levels, private companies are increasingly diverse in their management ranks, and their focus on being both more diverse and inclusive is only increasing, as seen in the billions of dollars being invested in diversity and inclusion efforts.

The last reason, necessity, is the driver that hasn’t been fully acknowledged, but is driving institutional behavior, like the examples cited above of companies putting pressure on state and local governments to not adopt non-inclusive laws, ordinances and practices.  Institutions see the business value of both diversity and inclusion.  In fact in my experience working with dozens of large companies, they don’t just see the value, they see that the full engagement and inclusion of an increasingly diverse labor pool and marketplace is essential to their ability to thrive, and even to survive.  In a global and multi-cultural context we simply must be more inclusive if we are going to treat patients, serve customers, build effective strategies, and more fully utilize our human resources.

What seems to be getting in our way is actually accelerating change

So even if you find the optimistic case as compelling as I do, why can change seem so slow, or do we appear to be going backwards at times, like these last few years?   When it comes to inclusion, it has been a rough few years.  After the high of electing our first non-white person as President, it seemed we had made a great leap forward as a diverse and inclusive society, regardless of whether one supported President Obama’s political views.  It doesn’t feel that way, though.  These last few years of regression, of increased overt discrimination, a rise in hate crimes, and an increased polarization between identity groups, is disturbing, upsetting and frustrating to many, including myself, a White, Gay, Jewish man.  It feels not just like a step back, but like we are turning back.  However, this is a normal dynamic when significant change is happening.  Often, when change accelerates, or becomes real, there is a counter-reaction, or resistance to that change.  So perhaps the extreme polarization, and all of the attendant acting out and reactivity, just reflects inevitable resistance to inevitable societal change.  What if, in fact, the intensity of this resistance is actually a sign of how deeply and quickly we are changing?  In my work as an organizational change consultant for large companies, I have noticed that big changes produce big backlashes.  Think about big changes you’ve experienced and how you and others have reacted to it.  Don’t you or others push back even if the coming change is inevitable, or push harder the more uncertain the future?  Don’t our worst behaviors tend to come out in these times, especially if we feel uncertain, vulnerable or afraid?  That is what I believe is happening at a societal level among many people.  However, the good news:  the more that resistance to change becomes overt and explicit, the more quickly change can accelerate.  Why?  Resistance reflects energy and engagement, and real change requires energy and engagement.  As resistance intensifies, underlying biases and bigotry come to the surface and there is a much greater possibility that those biases and the attendant behavior can be confronted, examined and shifted.  I believe this is happening and helps to explain the shift in public opinion showing up in multiple surverys (i.e. Pew, Monmouth, Civiqs) about racism (more of us believe it is a problem) and the Black Lives Matter movement (a majority of us support their work), as well as what appears by observation and anecdote to be a broader and more sustained participation of whites in the protests and ongoing dialogue.  Perhaps sunlight is, as has often been said, “the best disinfectant.”

 We are all a part of making our way forward

As a nation that is young, and constructed in a way unlike most any other nation, we have a tendency to continually reinvent ourselves.  Our “reinventions” are often messy but usually fast, as least as compared to much of history.  George Friedman's new book, The Storm Before the Calm, speaks powerfully to our national reinventions.  We succeed because we find new ways to engage each other, new ways to tap the inherent talent and capability of our population, and we keep our founding principles alive.  In this way, diversity and inclusion have been at the heart of our evolution ever since the founding, although most of the real progress has been in the last 60 years.  This is not going to change, and importantly it will continue and accelerate.  Sometimes we emphasize our differences, sometimes our similarities.  Both are important and relevant, and both will always be part of our national culture and dialogue.  Some thought the election of the first person of color to the Presidency meant that we were “post racial,” like we had solved the “problem” of racism.  Diversity and inclusion are not “problems” that we will ever “solve.”  They represent an ongoing and somewhat unique dilemma that we will always have to manage.  In managing this dilemma we need to continually engage each other on these topics.  It is important that we don’t project our unowned biases onto each other in search of a scapegoat, but that instead we ask questions and we seek to understand all who are well-intended.  We must leave room for discussion, and for disagreement, and we must sometimes draw lines consistent with our founding values.  It will never be enough, but we will progress.  As each wall comes down, we will need to manage the invisible shadow of that wall, and quickly another wall will appear; lather, rinse and repeat.  The skillset that is needed to be a good citizen, an effective leader or influencer in the United States will always and increasingly include understanding the meaning and power of our differences.  Effectiveness will increasingly be measured by the capability to dissemble bias in ourselves, others, and in groups and institutions.  Creating dynamics that more fully include more people will continue be a source of innovation and a driver of success.  The next challenge always emerges even as the earlier ones persist.  We’ve made progress on racism, sexism, heterosexism, transphobia, etc. but barriers remain.  For 20 years at least, we’ve been talking about socio-economic class diversity and a wealth gap, but we are only at the awareness phase.  I hear this topic come up more frequently with my clients, and I imagine this awareness will transition to some action as part of this next national reinvention.  Socio-economic class intersects with gender and race, and we are in the process of figuring out how to talk about that, particularly as the current socio-political backlash appears to be led by working class whites.  This conversation is never-ending, because our change and reinvention process is never-ending.

So as we sit here now, in a period that feels like a big step backwards, with an added layer of intensity due to a pandemic, it is still true that our fate rests with each other.  In some ways the Covid-19 pandemic demonstrates this point, as it provides a clear sense of shared fate, that we are all in this together, and that our diversity, as evidenced by the heroes of this pandemic, is implicit to who we are, and that our ability to be inclusive as a society is directly related to our ability to survive.

Because of our unending interdependency it is important to continue the work of increasing our awareness and our effectiveness in living and working together across our many differences.  We still have a rough period ahead of us.  We will figure this out and make our way forward, but our work won’t end anytime soon.

Thanks for reading!  I enjoy comments…what resonated, what you disagree with, what I missed, etc.  

BLOG #2: Two Short Pieces on Presence

Two Short Pieces on Presence

Thanks to those of you who read my first blog: Flipping the Racial Script.  I’m excited about the opportunity to connect in different ways, so please use the comment section to share your perspective!

I will try to write in different ways and from different perspectives.  I will write about different topics.  I’ve decided to not be too overt about politics, so only rarely will there be a piece that could be seen as political “punditry.”

I’ll also try to pull themes through my writing.  Two themes are common for me.  One is paradox – I love paradox.  The 1^st blog about flipping the racial script embraces paradox because what I am saying is that it is time for white people to have less conversation about race across racial groups and more conversation within our own racial group.  That seems counter-intuitive at a time when we are supposed to be connecting more across our differences.  Yet, I think we can’t connect across a difference until we understand who we are, more fully.  And that is the paradox.

The second common theme is about presence.  I’ve been writing a lot about being present, all of it from my own journey towards more authenticity and presence.  I will share more of this soon.  This theme, like the first, will pop up in direct and indirect ways.  You will see it in today’s blog entry( below) as I share a short essay and a poem.  These are shorter and easier to read perhaps that my 1^st blog.  My cousin told me I needed to write shorter pieces, so I am listening to her (at least this week).

Anyhow, the essay Neuroplasticity of the Spirit, was written April 2019.  When I reread it recently, I realized I had started to apply during the “lockdown”, what I had been writing about the year before.  You will see that in the short poem, Pandemic and Presence. Please let me know what this stimulates in you – does it resonate with your experience?  If you are willing, use the comments section and I (and hopefully others) will respond. 

Neuroplasticity of the Spirit

MG

April 25, 2019

Neuroscientists tell us that we establish neural pathways in our brain, associating and connecting one thing with another.  It helps us to make sense of complicated and overwhelming sensory input.  These neural pathways are functional shortcuts.  They deepen over time, and pull us into them as we continually reinforce them.  While functional in some ways, this reinforcement can also keep us limited or even stuck.  Fortunately, because of neuroplasticity, we more clearly understand that we can be choiceful in how we keep, change, or establish new pathways.  Our neuroplasticity continues for most of our life.

I was once told to see myself as a part of everything, not an observer but a participant.  My spirit knows this is true, because it is always a participant.  Just sitting on the porch on this fine spring morning looking at the green field, trees about to leaf, cool breeze overcome by warm sun, I am not just watching.  I am in the scene, and my presence is as important as the stones lining the path from this porch, the geese honking as they fly by, and the bright white birch meeting my stare.

If I can see how everything is connected, then I can see how pathways form.  Looking into the field I can see a path into the woods.  This path has been a walking path for at least several decades.  Sometimes, like the pathways in my life, it is easy to see; sometimes though, it is hidden as light changes, the grass grows, or a fresh snowfall covers it.  That path, and my paths, are both a history and a guide.  I am pulled down a usual walk, comfortable and automatic.  It rewards me with its familiar view.  It also limits me as I don’t think of another path into the woods, and all that could open up.  Why even would I when such a familiar and proven path exists?  The path makes sense and it fits the scene, just like my own mental pathways, evident in my life, fit my scene.  Our pathways are self-fulfilling prophecies, like how my grassy path into the woods is maintained by human steps, enhanced by mowing, and fed by the collection of moisture in the depression.

My spirit sees my whole scene.  It sees my well-worn pathways.  It sees how everything relates, and where the paths lead.  It sees how my body’s sensations can spark a cascade of thoughts and unacknowledged emotions.  It sees how those emotions affect the body, creating physical sensations.  It sees how thoughts interact with my emotions.  It sees how the repeated and circular interaction of all the parts of me slowly dig out pathways that are both neurological and psychological.  Fortunately my spirit serves not just as a historian but also a guide, because my spirit knows paths not yet taken.

If I let it, my spirit slows me down.  It provides a holistic view of the scene and a deconstruction of the elements, like how when a stream slows the sediment settles to the bottom, the branches and leaves gather themselves, eddies form, and new pathways emerge.  When I let my green path into the woods grow out, when I walk at the edges, or when I simply go in another direction, the field looks different and other options are revealed.

This is timeless.  I can always slow down, pay attention, let things settle.  Like that stream, I can realign myself, flow more freely, and move towards new destinations.   New pathways can emerge and even deepen in their own right.  Call it spiritual plasticity.

Pandemic and Presence

MG

March 30, 2020

I slow down.

not willingly,

but gradually.

 

The distractions still flash, and pull my attention,

like how stars bring us light long after they die.

A life filled with distraction goes quickly.

A day filled with unconsciousness can go faster.

How ironic.

But if I embrace the nothingness with consciousness, time slows,

each moment more fully lived.

The extraneous shutting down

like a body dying

with the energy going to the core,

to what is essential.

What is dying is the mundane.

Layers melting away,

less and less

until less is more.

In the end we only grapple with our self.

 

But now,

for the many who will come back,

what will we have learned?

How will we be different?

Will our vision have changed, will we see ourselves more clearly, will we see each other more fully?

When we slow down can we change faster?

Reading a verse, over and over,

looking out a window with interest and curiosity,

I listen for the sake of listening.

Sitting with pen and page I ask for guidance,

in my raw presence,

willing to be lead by spirit and soul.

 

I slow down,

not gradually,

but willingly.

BLOG #1: Flipping the Racial Script to Create Change

Flipping the Racial Script to Create Change

If you are white and want racial equity, don’t just “check-in” with your black friends, talk to your White friends too.

MG  July 1 2020

 Many of my friends and colleagues are checking-in with some of their African-American and black colleagues and friends these days, to see how they are doing in the midst of the public reaction to the killing of George Floyd and other black people by police.  It is always good to check-in with people you care about, especially now, but if that is the extent of what we do, then we risk keeping us stuck in a familiar racial script.  We’ve had this script for several decades in the U.S.  A visible racist incident occurs, people largely react in horror; for whites it is as if we’ve suddenly discovered that there is still racism.  People of color are in the spotlight sharing their feelings, perspectives and experiences.  Some whites talk about how awful and evil the incident was and how we need to come together while others make excuses for the white perpetrators.   The conversation slowly becomes polarized, and then we hear calls for a “national conversation on race.”  Then, the moment is over, for whites and the media, and nothing really happens.  As frustration continues in communities of color, energy for change is sustained, protests continue, blame of protestors increases, and many whites pull away.  Once again, nothing happens, and people of color, often black people due to the United States’  particular racial history, are left holding the bag, while some whites just forget about it, and other whites feel good about participating in some protests.

Nothing fundamentally changes.

There are some signs, in our current crisis, that flipping this script might be possible.  Recent polling shows there is a broadening public consensus across racial groups that blacks are treated poorly by the criminal justice system.  The extent to which a sense of injustice is perceived across the political spectrum, and not completely seen through a partisan and polarized political lens is a critical factor in creating change.  The other critical factor is the level of involvement and engagement of whites.  It appears many whites are involved in the ongoing protests, and are sustaining their involvement beyond a day or two.  I believe this is the most critical factor because it shifts the underlying power dynamic that usually maintains the status quo: the group with the most power (whites) is the least engaged and committed to creating change. 

When trying to achieve justice it is almost never possible if the energy for that change is driven by the excluded, “outsider” group.  The “insider” group, in this case whites, must engage not as interested observers but as members of a group that holds power, power that is the key to unlocking the status quo.  Real change means addressing this “insider-outsider” dynamic, a dynamic that is about how we see and react to events and to the status quo based on our membership in either the insider or outsider group.  On any important issue of difference there is an insider-outsider dynamic.  Because of our diversity, we are simultaneously in both insider groups and outsider groups, depending on the identity group.  For me, I am a white, gay, male, upper-middle class person not living with a disability.  In these five identities I’ve just shared, I am in the insider group on 4 of them, and in the outsider group only on the issue of sexual orientation.   I can articulate very clearly what it means to be gay, how I’ve experienced exclusion, stress and discrimination; I have examples, stories and experiences.  On the other four issues my understanding of the dynamics is more intellectual, and I can’t easily summon feelings, stories and experiences.  When it comes to the issue of race, if we are white, we are in the group historically and presently privileged, but we tend not to see that, or to be able to hold onto a moment of deep awareness when we see our privilege.  We don’t see it because it doesn’t hinder us.  For people of color, in the group that has been excluded, mistreated, discriminated against, etc. what is often seen is a pattern of experience that connects individual instances that whites often perceive as isolated incidents.  When we are in any outsider group, based on any number of differences such as gender, sexual orientation, ability status, socio-economic class, and race, we see the pattern of experience and we see and feel the accumulated impact.  People of color, in this case particularly black people, feel deeply the pain, frustration and anger that comes with the accumulated impact.  As whites we don’t feel that pain, and we can’t.  We can hear it and take it in, we can empathize, but if we want real change we must explore and engage our feelings about race, not focus only on how people of color feel.

If we whites can step back and see racial dynamics as an intense expression of a larger set of insider-outsider dynamics, then we can be informed by our own experiences as outsiders on some issues and insiders on others.  From this we can change our behavior and forge a path forward.  Here are 3 actions that can help flip the script.

Don’t seek approval from people of color, that you are a good white person

I know that one of my first reactions when I see a racist incident, is to want to separate myself from the person who perpetuated that incident.  This isn’t usually conscious, it is just an almost instinctual reaction.  It is understandable, particularly if I know that in my heart that I am well-intended.  Instead of acting on my good intent to explain or rationalize my own attitudes or behavior, it is more productive to use my good intent to try to understand the situation more fully.  For example, I could ask myself or other whites about what might motivate a police officer to behave in that way, and explore if we can relate to that police officer’s biases.  I don’t mean trying to be empathetic to hurtful, violent, and illegal behavior; I just mean trying to understand why as whites, we have such difficulty getting rid of this kind of bigotry.  This might help us understand the approaches and policies that will work, and will have broader public support.

Avoid scapegoating other Whites

Scapegoating blatant racists is very tempting, because there are plenty of examples of bad behavior.  The problem is, if we focus on the bad behavior of other whites, we miss that all whites are involved or at least impacted by racism, and we put energy into a vortex of blame that doesn’t move us forward.  There will always be someone to blame or to point fingers at, but are we able to take some collective responsibility for an issue that affects us all?   In other words, can we start to point the finger at ourselves collectively, as a group?  If we can do this with empathy, it will be a force for justice.  It is much easier to talk to someone who I am empathizing with, versus someone at whom I am pointing a finger.  This does not mean that we shouldn’t confront bad behavior; we should name and condemn racist behavior whenever we see it.  However, change will be facilitated when there is less conversation about individual bad actors, and more conversation about what we can all do differently as whites.

Don’t suggest that we need to start a national conversation about race 

Start one yourself, and start it with others like you.  Many of the most satisfying conversations I’ve had about race have been the ones I’ve had with other whites, because those types of conversations rarely happen at any level of depth.  I remember a conversation with my father, years ago on a vacation at the beach, where he talked about the raw racism he observed as a high school football player.  This racism was directed at a black teammate.  As he talked about it, an event that had happened 50 years prior, he teared up.  At the time, he had no understanding of what to do, despite his feelings and his good heart.  He supported his teammate of course, but that was it.  His sharing led to more conversation where we each shared our own biases, and our own struggles with being as fair and equitable as we wanted to be.  That conversation was important to both of us; for me it allowed me to relate to my dad in a different way, but also to see myself more clearly.  For him, he started to think differently about race.  He started to have different conversations with his friends.  His politics changed, as did his behavior.  He and I had more to talk about and a deeper connection.  It opened the door to more exploration of difference, including my experiences as a gay man.  We need more of those conversations.  When whites talk to whites about their experiences, struggles and dilemmas with race, real change results and it is sustainable.

 

The bottom line to all of this is that if we want true racial justice and inclusion, we as whites need to decide that it is in our self-interest to own the issue and dilemma of race in this country.  We achieved some level of legal racial justice about 50 years ago.  This happened because of actions of both the outsider group, via decades of organizing and visible protests that required immense courage because of violent backlash, and some members of the insider group who decided to finally to take some ownership of the dilemma and take the political and personal risk to move forward towards justice.  In that moment enough powerful white people used the power that came with their racial identity, combined that with the power of the institutions they led, and helped create real change.  Obviously just passing laws that make it illegal to discriminate won’t end racism.  Legal equality is necessary, but not sufficient.  The next step, which we might be engaging now, is more cultural.  It is more about how we understand and relate to each other.  Given the change of our population demographics, our workforces, our marketplaces, whether we will be diverse is no longer a question.  We are very racially diverse and are becoming even moreso.  The question now is how we manage the resulting dynamics.  The moment we are in right now is an opportunity to manage those dynamics differently.  If we want to continue our journey towards racial justice, equality, and inclusion we each need to see our shared responsibility, and also our shared opportunity.

Intro to the Blog

Intro to this blog

The Zeitgeist Blog

Why This Blog?  Well, why not?  I really enjoy thinking about who we are, why we are, and where we are headed.  The socio-political cultural zeitgeist is endlessly interesting to me.  I am definitely an armchair pundit, as my friends and family know too well.  I have a real intellectual curiosity about these things, and I like to think about them from multiple perspectives.  I like it when I can see a connection between political, psychological, philosophical and geopolitical perspectives on an issue, for example.

I also think that when we can look at issues from multiple perspectives, we are more likely to find common ground, or we can develop a more defensible idea or perspective.  Given how fractured our political dynamic is, and how polarized our society is, the more we can look at an issue broadly, the more we find ways to talk about it, and ultimately address it.  I’m also a fan of historical perspective.  Most patterns repeat themselves, and if we can step back and look at a situation or an issue from a historical perspective, we can often develop a more grounded sense of what is happening and what we can do. 

Professionally, my focus is on diversity, inclusion, and leadership development.  For 30 years I’ve been working with organizations that want to understand how to create more inclusive leaders and more inclusive cultures.  A sub-specialty is organizational and personal change and transformation. I do believe we are in a hugely significant time of transformation, in many ways, but clearly in ways that intersect with my professional expertise.  Perhaps we thought that the biggest recent change was the technology revolution of the 90s.  It certainly was significant, but it was just the start.  I think the bigger challenges, and opportunities, are seen in the convergence of a lot of forces, including but not limited to technology.  In the U.S. it seems that we are confronting something in the limits of how our current economic system is structured.  At the same time we are redefining the kind of governance that we prefer.  This is happening at a time when much of the world is experiencing many of these same changes.  I am an optimist.  I see times of change as risky, yes, but as huge opportunities for progress and even transformational change.  I think we are in that kind of period.  If this blog can be one tiny contribution to a dialogue and thought process that helps connect people and ideas, if it can be helpful in creating more common ground, if it helps me and you learn and think differently about challenges, then I would consider this a huge success.  Maybe we can do a bit less demonizing of each other.  Maybe we can see that we are all in this together.  I’ve never tried anything like this before.  Thank you for reading.

MGK