National Coming Out Day: A Reunion with Myself

 National Coming Out Day:  A Reunion with Myself

Mark Kaplan

October 11, 2021

Today is National Coming Out Day, a decades long celebration of the power of being oneself in the world.  It is a particularly relevant time for me to be thinking about my own coming out process.  I am returning home from my 40^th high school reunion.  When I think about my life, as an openly gay married man in 2021, in comparison to how I felt and what I thought was possible in 1981, I am grateful for how much has changed.  The pace of that change has been stunning in many ways.

In 1981, I hadn’t fully figured out who I was, although I had some idea.  I remember the anxiety about not being able to envision a future for myself.  I don’t just mean a career, or where I would live; I mean imagining my life.  From the time I sensed I was “different” in some way that was significant, I simultaneously knew that it was seen as a bad difference, and that I shouldn’t tell anyone.  Like many other gay people (and almost certainly people of any sexual orientation other than heterosexual), I began to live a double life.  I presented one version of myself to others, while trying to understand, suppress, and manage an important aspect of my true identity.  In what felt like a survival strategy, I went on some dates with girls, I tried to not act like a stereotypical gay person, and I tried to keep a distance from others when it came to true intimacy in friendships.  I certainly kept any real attraction hidden or well-camouflaged.

While this sounds difficult, and it really was, I still managed to form relationships that were intimate to a degree, supportive, and genuine.  I reconnected this weekend, and in the build up to the reunion, with some of those people:  the young woman I went to the prom with, a girl I briefly dated, and a group of friends who I intuitively trusted even back in those days of fear and anxiety.  They didn’t know that they were creating safety for me, but they were.  I wish I could’ve told them then, and I wish I hadn’t had to hide.  To any of my old friends who are reading this, thank you for what you did for me, unknowingly (or maybe not), all those years ago and since.  What I offer in return is my authenticity and my friendship.  Being out allows me to be a better friend, and it brings home the notion that we are all more free when everyone is free.

What was most impactful about the reunion weekend was my experience of myself, 40 years later.  At a reunion we might compare ourselves to others for better or for worse, but this is not the comparison that matters.  What matters is the comparison of myself from then to now.  Having the experience of being a more fully developed person, having accepted who I was and taken ownership for my life is a wonderful feeling, and one available to all who come out.  In comparing myself at different points in time I am able to see the arc of my life, remembering what it was like to be me, so filled with fear and anxiety, constantly managing others’ perceptions, against the current me who is happy to be who I am, fulfilled in my life and my relationships.  I remember National Coming Out Days in my young adulthood, when I was still early in the process and still living a double life, having come out to some but not to others, including my parents.  I remember the fear and dread I had of coming out to them, but also sensing (luckily) that it would all turn out well.  Indeed, it did.  Just like my 40^th high school reunion, National Coming Out Day reminds me of my journey, and invites me to be aware of and present to the power of self-acceptance.  Self-acceptance is a necessary pre-cursor to broader acceptance by others, and perhaps the most important step in the coming out process.

Even today, after being out to everyone in my life, and publicly, for more than 3 decades, I still wonder, when I share my orientation with people who I don’t know, often in some subtle way like an offhand mention of my husband, how they will receive that information and how it might change their perception of me.  Homophobia is nowhere near gone, despite all the progress, and we should respect that the journey to coming out can be fraught and tumultuous.

To those of you who have come out, I hope you will take a minute to reflect on that powerful act, and think about how it changed your life.  I hope the result has been that you feel, like me, that your life is more rich, more real, more authentic.  I hope you see that the energy you put into hiding who you are and trying to stay safe, was energy that you now put into living your life in the way you wish.  I hope you see that your coming out was not just a gift to yourself, but a gift to the others around you, who can now enjoy your authentic presence.  That might’ve been the best part of the reunion, that just being myself allowed me to reconnect, or finally connect, to the classmates with whom I spent much of my youth.  To those who have yet to come out, be gentle with yourself.  Yes, there has been so much progress in the last 40 years, but coming to terms with being gay in a society that is less condemning overall, but still neutral at best, is a challenging journey.  You are doing the best you can right now.  Keep going, and listen to the voice inside of you that knows everything will be alright.  Seek out support, and make your way in the way that you can.  Remember that there are a lot of people lovingly and patiently waiting for you, most of all yourself.