National Coming Out Day: A Reunion with Myself
Mark Kaplan
October 11, 2021
Today is National Coming Out Day, a decades long celebration of the power of being oneself in the world. It is a particularly relevant time for me to be thinking about my own coming out process. I am returning home from my 40th high school reunion. When I think about my life, as an openly gay married man in 2021, in comparison to how I felt and what I thought was possible in 1981, I am grateful for how much has changed. The pace of that change has been stunning in many ways.
In 1981, I hadn’t fully figured out who I was, although I
had some idea. I remember the anxiety
about not being able to envision a future for myself. I don’t just mean a career, or where I would
live; I mean imagining my life. From the
time I sensed I was “different” in some way that was significant, I simultaneously
knew that it was seen as a bad difference, and that I shouldn’t tell
anyone. Like many other gay people (and
almost certainly people of any sexual orientation other than heterosexual), I began
to live a double life. I presented one version
of myself to others, while trying to understand, suppress, and manage an
important aspect of my true identity. In
what felt like a survival strategy, I went on some dates with girls, I tried to
not act like a stereotypical gay person, and I tried to keep a distance from
others when it came to true intimacy in friendships. I certainly kept any real attraction hidden
or well-camouflaged.
While this sounds difficult, and it really was, I still
managed to form relationships that were intimate to a degree, supportive, and
genuine. I reconnected this weekend, and
in the build up to the reunion, with some of those people: the young woman I went to the prom with, a
girl I briefly dated, and a group of friends who I intuitively trusted even
back in those days of fear and anxiety.
They didn’t know that they were creating safety for me, but they
were. I wish I could’ve told them then, and
I wish I hadn’t had to hide. To any of
my old friends who are reading this, thank you for what you did for me, unknowingly
(or maybe not), all those years ago and since.
What I offer in return is my authenticity and my friendship. Being out allows me to be a better friend,
and it brings home the notion that we are all more free when everyone is free.
What was most impactful about the reunion weekend was my
experience of myself, 40 years later. At
a reunion we might compare ourselves to others for better or for worse, but
this is not the comparison that matters.
What matters is the comparison of myself from then to now. Having the experience of being a more fully
developed person, having accepted who I was and taken ownership for my life is
a wonderful feeling, and one available to all who come out. In comparing myself at different points in time
I am able to see the arc of my life, remembering what it was like to be me, so
filled with fear and anxiety, constantly managing others’ perceptions, against
the current me who is happy to be who I am, fulfilled in my life and my
relationships. I remember National
Coming Out Days in my young adulthood, when I was still early in the process
and still living a double life, having come out to some but not to others, including
my parents. I remember the fear and
dread I had of coming out to them, but also sensing (luckily) that it would all turn out well. Indeed, it did. Just like my 40th high school
reunion, National Coming Out Day reminds me of my journey, and invites me to be
aware of and present to the power of self-acceptance. Self-acceptance is a necessary pre-cursor to
broader acceptance by others, and perhaps the most important step in the coming
out process.
Even today, after being out to everyone in my life, and
publicly, for more than 3 decades, I still wonder, when I share my orientation
with people who I don’t know, often in some subtle way like an offhand mention
of my husband, how they will receive that information and how it might change
their perception of me. Homophobia is
nowhere near gone, despite all the progress, and we should respect that the
journey to coming out can be fraught and tumultuous.
To those of you who have come out, I hope you will take a
minute to reflect on that powerful act, and think about how it changed your
life. I hope the result has been that
you feel, like me, that your life is more rich, more real, more authentic. I hope you see that the energy you put into
hiding who you are and trying to stay safe, was energy that you now put into
living your life in the way you wish. I
hope you see that your coming out was not just a gift to yourself, but a gift
to the others around you, who can now enjoy your authentic presence. That might’ve been the best part of the
reunion, that just being myself allowed me to reconnect, or finally connect, to
the classmates with whom I spent much of my youth. To those who have yet to come out, be gentle
with yourself. Yes, there has been so
much progress in the last 40 years, but coming to terms with being gay in a
society that is less condemning overall, but still neutral at best, is a
challenging journey. You are doing the
best you can right now. Keep going, and listen
to the voice inside of you that knows everything will be alright. Seek out support, and make your way in the
way that you can. Remember that there
are a lot of people lovingly and patiently waiting for you, most of all
yourself.
